TIME

The Imaginary Garden with Real Toads, http://withrealtoads.blogspot.com/, threw out a real challenge in their ‘Croeso i Gymru!’ post, http://withrealtoads.blogspot.com/2011/10/croeso-i-gymru.html. They want us to write an awdl gywydd: a Welsh poetry form with seven-syllable lines and a rhyming scheme of

******A
**a***B
******C
**c***B

This should be no hill for a stepper, but I find I really dislike the seven-syllable lines, and the rhyming scheme is more difficult than I first imagined.

TIME
by Mike Patrick

This time of day is fine for
tea and more. It need not fly.
The clock’s swift hands come undone.
They’ve begun to kindly lie.

Every hour has come to know
the happy glow of your smile,
your wink, your style of sweet wet
kiss I sometimes get. We while

away the hours in love’s bliss;
a much used twist, to stretch still
more the times we often share
with care; our love to instill.

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This entry was posted in Awdl Gywydd, Love, Mixed Meter, Poetry, Real Toads, Rhyming and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to TIME

  1. vivinfrance says:

    It’s very odd that a seven syllable line in a haiku seems just right, perfect in fact, but like you I can’t get comfortable with such lines in ‘normal’ poetry. I think your attempt is very successful, though – and as usual, courageous.

  2. Ruth says:

    Difficult maybe, but you’ve wrestled the form into shape quite nicely here. I like the kindly lying hands of time 🙂

  3. Marian says:

    well done! the rhymes are lovely and subtle.
    i have not been able to steady my brain long enough to focus on this. not sure i ever will!

  4. JInksy says:

    That was and interesting spiral of words! 🙂 I’m digesting the form for further use in the future…

  5. Trelllissimo says:

    Well done! I only managed two verses!

  6. An interesting form. Skillfully crafted 🙂

  7. I think you have made a masterful attempt at this very tricky form – and 4 stanzas too. I haven’t even had the strength to try one. You chose a very empathetic subject to explore within the form.

  8. Great work…We while
    away the hours in love’s bliss;
    a much used twist, to stretch still
    more the times we often share
    with care; our love to instill…..I especially like these lines and how perfectly it works with your clock image 🙂

  9. This is a very difficult form so all here who accomplished this , I bow to you. Mine was done some time ago and I worked on it off and on for a week or two, You have my honest admiration that you could pull off even a weak example in a few days, but these are very sound poetry even if the reader knew nothing of the particulars of this form.
    This is really a very fine poem. I esp. like the way you allow the thought to carry over two stanzas.
    I think all of these are very good. To really see how good it is, read it out loud. This type of poetry was meant to be oral: the sound effects are stunning.

    • Mike Patrick says:

      Thank you, Lillian. I’m so glad you enjoyed it. I attempted to include more internal rhyme than usual, but attempting to use meter was really challenging in the seven-syllable lines. It rather faded away by the time I got to the last few lines.

  10. Pete says:

    I always enjoy visiting and this was a very good stab at an uncomfortable rhyme scheme. Please don’t hate me if I say I think the wet / get line seems to jar a little. Because otherwise is very very good.

    • Mike Patrick says:

      Thanks Pete. That is the kind of feedback I’m looking for. My best poetry friend and mentor hates the word ‘get’ in any poem. She’s usually right, but you didn’t hear it from me. Time has joined my to-be-edited folder, where it will eagerly await my attention in a couple of weeks. Then, with fresh eyes It will be reborn–I hope.

  11. Kay Davies says:

    If you dislike it and find it difficult, it doesn’t show in the end product. I have to take your word for it. (By the way, I agree with Pete and your poetry friend/mentor about “get”, it’s bad form but I have been known to use it when desperate.)

    Kay, Alberta, Canada
    An Unfittie’s Guide to Adventurous Travel

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