CHANGES?

For Poetic Bloomings prompt #17, http://poeticbloomings2.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/ch-ch-ch-changes-prompt-17/ they want a poem of Ca-ch-ch-Changes.

I have a little confession to make. I’m in the middle writing four poems at the same time, and it isn’t working for me. I long ago learned that I needed to find a specific mind-set to write poetry; now I’m learning the mind-set is different for different types of poems. Switching from one to another is like running into a wall. When “Changes” came along, I sat down and pushed through so I could complete something. I rushed it and it shows.

CHANGES?
by Mike Patrick

Would I change that which you are?
Your smile perhaps, in evening’s glow?
It still delights, and etches beauty lines
along the corners of your eyes.
Could I improve your eyes?
The blue that haunts my waking hours
and wakes me from my sleep?
Your lips . . . I cannot improve,
they seem to still fit mine.
The softness of the hands
that caress my cheeks?
No . . . no.
Tis not for me to interfere
with what the hand of God has shaped.

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This entry was posted in Free Verse, Love, Mixed Meter, Poetic Bloomings, Poetry, Un-rhyming and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to CHANGES?

  1. “Your smile… etches beauty lines,” what an elegant tribute to your wife. How lovely and thoughtful to see those lines for what they are. Having more than my share of lines, when my husband traces them with this finger, I fall in love with him all over again. This is simply perfection, Mike. Acknowledging God’s creation only added to the beauty. Thanks, Amy
    http://sharplittlepencil.wordpress.com/2011/08/26/thirteen-ways-of-looking-at-men/

  2. adeeyoyo says:

    I love this, Mike. I think one has to find the poem within us (meaning feelings, not brain). This one flows beautifully until it seems to come a little unstuck from ‘Your lips… to no… no.’ then the last two lines fit with the first part again. I hope you don’t mind my saying this, but it is so close to perfection that perhaps you could have another look with ‘fresh eyes’ later. Please let me know if you think I should rather keep my thoughts to myself. I won’t take offence.

    • Mike Patrick says:

      Please, always feel free to critique my poems, especially on something like my “No . . . no.” That was an experiment. I spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to punctuate it so that the reader would get a four-count pause. It sounded okay when I read it, but I knew what I wanted. I don’t think the punctuation exists to do the job. It’s going to take more than a tweak, probably a rewrite to fix it. Thank you, Denise.

      • adeeyoyo says:

        I have read it again, twice this morning, and find myself now in agreement with you Mike. My sense of rhythm must have been off kilter when I read it before. Sorry, my friend! And btw I love ‘that which’ – it’s my style too! I think it’s just a matter of preference and it suits this type of poem, I think.

  3. TheMsLvh says:

    Did you let her read this beautiful poem? A beautiful tribute to her. Even if rushed, you produced a beautiful thoughtful poem. Nice Mike. From smile to eyes to lips to hands. She sounds like a loving person and your love for her shows here. All I could say again is beautiful!

  4. margo roby says:

    I don’t know, Mike. We must be reading the poem differently. Both silently and then aloud, I had no problem with the No . . .no, and like the immediate repudiation of the first no and the pause for thought and the second no, before going into the punchline. I like it and think it works, but it has to work for you.

    margo

    • Mike Patrick says:

      It worked for me, Margo. I’m just not sure how most readers will follow it. I always have a rhythm running through my head, so the pause automatically places itself within that rhythm. I’m just not sure how it works for those not as abnormal as I am.

  5. margo roby says:

    Well, my friend, that makes two of us abnormal. Trust me here. It works the way it is. I don’t know how a reader would follow it any way but the way you have it reading.

    m

  6. vivinfrance says:

    Mike, you are at your best in love poetry – something I find nearly impossible to write.

    I hesitate to criticise such a gem, but your first line brought me up short: “Would I change that which you are?” It’s that “that which” which seems like a police report rather than poetry.

    How about: “Would I change how you are?”
    Shout at me if I’ve overstepped the mark.

    • Mike Patrick says:

      I know, Viv. I wrestled with it as I wrote it, but I rushed it in order to clear something off my screen. The only reason I kept it was to hold to a semblance of iambic meter. As time permits, I’ll try to change it around.

  7. Janet says:

    That…
    ‘that/which’ quandary…it constantly comes up for me. I LOVE this poem. It turned my heart inside out. How blessed is she for whom you wrote:)

  8. terri0729 says:

    I thought it was pretty darn good myself 🙂 I have a bad habit of changing mine sightly here and there after I have already finished them, lol. Blessings 🙂

  9. Mike says:

    A great poem Mike – she sounds like a very special person.
    I was trying to pick out my favourite line and then realised that they all contained so much imagery.
    Thanks for a wonderful read.

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