DEAR DAD

Theme Thursday’s http://themethursday.blogspot.com/ prompt was, “Letter.” Try as I might, I couldn’t come up with a poem. My freewrite took off in a most peculiar direction.

Dear Dad,

Say, there’s something funny is going on here. Boot camp isn’t nearly as much fun as you and Uncle Paul said it would be. These people are crazy. They woke us up at 4:30 this morning using the same language that got my mouth washed out with soap when I was fourteen. Breakfast wasn’t all that great either. If things don’t straighten out soon, I’ll be wiring you for money to come home.

After breakfast, when I asked the sergeant about the sailing lessons, he laughed until he puked. The good news is, he said I’m a very special recruit, and he’s going to take very special care of me.

We were marched to the base barbershop next. The sergeant, trying to take special care of me, put me right at the front of the line. Soon as I sat in the chair, the barber asked me how I wanted my haircut. I told him, “Just a little off the top.” He asked if I wanted to keep my sideburns, when I said yes, he said, “Hold out your hand.” Dad, that guy scalped me and the sergeant didn’t do a thing to stop him. Matter of fact, the sergeant laughed until he puked again. I think there is something seriously wrong with him.

While the rest of the guys were getting their haircuts, I wandered around looking for the archery range. It’s a big base. I got lost. Some bigwig captain or something saw me walking around and offered to get me back to my unit in his fine new car. He was really nice too, but he kept giggling every time I said something—maybe it’s something in the water. Luckily, the captain knew my sergeant. He said he would recommend that the sergeant give me a little special P.T. I’m not sure what P.T. is, but I think it has to do with professional training. It’s neat, I already have two friends here at camp, and they are going to see to it I get special training. I hope this isn’t going to make the other guys jealous.

Well, I’ve got to cut this off. I’m sitting in the captain’s outer office, and I believe the sergeant is pulling up outside. I have to say, it’s been an interesting first day. I’m going to have a stern talk with the sergeant about getting us up at 4:30 though; that’s got to stop.

Oops, have to go. The sergeant’s here, and he’s laughing again.

Love,

Your son

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9 Responses to DEAR DAD

  1. When I’ve finished wiping away the tears of laughter (why do you keep making me cry?) I may be able to write a coherent comment. Until then, may I advise you to keep your head down!

    • Mike Patrick says:

      I’m glad it made you laugh. I find humor so difficult to write. My humor is cop humor and it is usually very different that that of normal people. This non-poem was partially true. It was me in the barber chair when the barber asked if I wanted t keep my sideburns; therefore, it was formulated before my since of humor got warped.

  2. Nanka says:

    Hilarious and enjoyed every bit!! This letter must have been preserved by your Dad for sure 😀 for posterity 🙂

  3. LOL
    As someone who voluntarily served in Her Majesty’s Armed Forces in the 1970’s, this made me giggle.
    The first 6 weeks of basic training is so hard and they make it deliberately so in order to see if you can take the discipline of being given orders without questioning the reason why. It’s kind of like the expression: I say: ‘jump’.. you say ‘How high’? LOL Thanks for the chuckels Mike, a very entertaining read.

  4. pmwanken says:

    This is a GREAT letter…it reminded me of some of the things my friend’s son was saying or asking about before he headed off to boot camp…like: “I can just eat breakfast whenever I wake up, right?” LOL.

  5. Laurie Kolp says:

    lol- This is hilarious, Mike… poor guy (my husband is a former Marine, so I know what you’re talking about).

  6. Kim Nelson says:

    Hilarious, Mike, and likely because this is based in so much truth. Well done.

  7. Geez, Mike, I made you laugh out loud, and you just about made me pee with this one! Ever seen the old movie, “No Time for Sergeants”? It’s about a naive recruit – out Andy Griffith on the map. Reminds me of this character. Hey, I gotcher P.T. right here!!! Amy

  8. earlybird says:

    Loved this, Mike. Very funny. And the next letter, please?

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