A couple of things came together for today’s poem. First, I enjoyed a discussion on poetic enjambment in Margo Roby’s Thursday’s Thoughts, http://margoroby.wordpress.com/2011/06/30/thursday-thoughts-we-take-on-poetic-enjambment/. Then We Write Poems, http://wewritepoems.wordpress.com/, ask for a revisionist poem updating one of our old ones.
I looked back six months, to the first week of my blog, and found the first sonnet I ever wrote. Back then, I had the audacity to write it as a Shakespearian sonnet. Rereading it, maybe it wasn’t as bad as I’d remembered, but I thought I’d rewrite it using enjambment, something I hadn’t even heard of six months ago. Now, when I compare the two poems, darned if I don’t think the old one is better. Well, I have between now and We Write Poems’ posting day on Wednesday to re-rewrite it.
TO BLESS A FOOL
by Mike Patrick
Flickr image by tonynetone
Did God decide to bless a fool like I
with love that slipped the bonds of father time?
What force commands this maid of youth, whereby
she takes my heart and tells me, “You are mine.”
How sad the nights for those who never felt
the pulling of your gentle hand. You guide
me to the chamber where each night I’ve knelt
before your love and God. He gave the bride
of kings unto this humble working man.
With trembling hand, I slowly you denude,
and love’s hot treasure, once again is fanned.
With passion’s fire, the night cannot conclude.
No sleep disturbs my night alone with you.
The day hath come, and still our love’s not through.
LOVE SONNET NUMBER ONE
By Mike Patrick
Did Gods decide to bless a fool like I?
Is love then destined for the very few?
Then in Gods’ holy wisdom I rely;
I honor Him by keeping our love true.
How sad the nights for those who know you not;
Poor souls who dream of love such as we share.
What Hell could e’er be darker than the thought
Than life away from my sweet angel fair.
Alas, so fast doth passion’s fire conclude . . .
Until your breast doth softly kiss my hand.
With trembling hand, I slowly you denude,
And love’s hot treasure, once again is fanned.
No sleep disturbed my night alone with you.
The day hath come, and still our love’s not through.
The Poet's Quill 
There are two reasons why I prefer the new version: It flows miles better without all the end-stopped lines. It is less pastiche and more a poem of today without the old-fashioned poetic inversions. What I do really like is the love which shines out of your words.
I’m still getting comfortable with enjambment. I was hoping to include it without removing the old timey flavor. I love Shakespearean language. It’s sad so much of it has fallen out of favor or is actually considered improper now. I find the old poetic language and devices beautiful. If I could find the story and the talent, I would love to write a play in the language of Shakespeare. “Alas, tis not to be,” sounds so much better than, “It ain’t gonna happen,” but that is where we have arrived.
I can’t decide which one I like best, Mike.
You have a point. Not only does “Alas, tis not to be” sound better, but if everyone talked like that it strikes me the world might be a gentler place — not that they didn’t have their share of problems back then, but the Shakespearean phrase doesn’t put my back up, the modern version would. Maybe we would take longer to take offense, or not take it at all.
I agree with Viv re the amount of lines end-stopped in the first, but I do like the flavour of it. A couple of the poetic inversions read slightly awkward, after reading your rewrite; most I don’t spot unless I go back and look. Next rewrite see if you can reach a happy compromise between the enjambment that allows the pace to move smoothly and the punctuation that allows a more Shakespearean feel. After all enjambment doesn’t mean lose the punctuation, more don’t stop a thought at the end of a line unless you have a reason.
I look forward to seeing what you decide.
margo
Really does read as if it has been written in another time another epoch…great piece…ELiza Keating
Hmmm…
I remember reading your first one and liked it then…and now I like the re-write, too! I do like how the second stanza now “enjambs” to the third (did I just make up a word!?).
I’ve been wondering which poem to go back and re-write for the We Write Poems prompt. I thought of the only sonnet I attempted. But I’m really rather feeling like “sonnet” and “Paula” are not meant to go in the same post! Perhaps I should leave well enough alone on that one! 🙂
~Paula
Did God decide to bless a fool like I (or – bless this fool)
with love that slipped the bonds of father time?
What force commands this maid of youth, whereby
she takes (or something stronger, like: fingers my heart) my heart and tells me, “You are mine.” (or: and whispers, “You are mine”) (this would heighten the sensation perhaps)
How sad the nights for those who never felt
the pulling of your gentle hand. You guide (or: the gentle pulling of your hand)
This reads with an antique flavour – I applaud your efforts with this stately use of language; but I cannot see it being generally praised by the contemporary poetry scene. I’ve made a couple of suggestions – hope you don’t mind.
beautiful sonnets mike, i tried writing them but couldnot put life in them like you did.