SATAN’S TRUTH

When Three Word Wednesday http://www.threewordwednesday.com/ served up erratic, luminous and omen as the prompts, I decided to work them like a wordle. For some reason ‘omen’ came to the fore, and being the negative guy I am, I saw a bad omen. It then became the setting of the poem.

Because I had no idea what I was going to write about, the first part of the poem charged in a Halloween direction, making it the most sinister poem beginning I’ve ever written; then, in the third line of the third stanza, it changed and made me a participant. The rest just happened as quickly as I could type. It can probably benefit from some additional editing, a few trochee feet are lurking about, and I couldn’t decide whether or not to replace the ellipsis in the fourth stanza with a question mark, but I liked what I had and wanted to get it down. As a matter of fact, I like it so much, I thought it was worthy of Thursday’s Poet’s Rally http://thursdaypoetsrallypoetry.blogspot.com/ for week 45, so I submitted it there too.

SATAN’S TRUTH
by Mike Patrick

creepy house

Flicker image by bellbellbell

The streetlight’s glow, within the fog,
is but a luminous, foul globe.
Its tepid shimmer not enough
to guide a rat’s erratic probe.

Cobwebs of scudding clouds concealed
the omen of a witching moon.
The slamming of a church’s door
was echoed off a standing tomb.

From near the twisted briars and weeds,
below the point of Potter’s field,
I skulked along a rusted fence;
an evil deed must be fulfilled.

I knew the house, wherein she lived,
the place where she now keeps my heart.
When she ignored my offered love . . .
then my revenge I must impart.

The whimpering of a frightened dog;
the only sound I heard that night.
As I pried open her back door,
black clothing kept me out of sight.

I snuck into her living room
with ready knife I’d brought from home.
No woman leaves me in the cold;
she’ll have to pay, she must atone.

The lights came on, and she was there.
No fear was showing in her eyes.
“You took your own sweet time,” she said,
“but you still fell for all my lies.

“Three months ago, I sowed a seed;
Allowed your nasty lips on mine,
and now it’s time for me to feed.
My kind of love you’ll not decline.

“When you came in to take my life,
your worthless honor to make whole,
you crept into the perfect trap.
Now I will take your very soul.

“All men make the same mistake.
Do you know why they fail?
Their error is in their belief,
that Satan is a male.”

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This entry was posted in Fear, Iambic, Mixed Meter, Poetry, Rhyming, Three Word Wednesday, Thursday Poets Rally and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to SATAN’S TRUTH

  1. vivinfrance says:

    Wonderful. If I look at the first poems when you started blogging, and this, I can see how far you have come. The story-telling, the vocabulary, 90% of the metre: absolutely spot on. Creepy and clever…

    I’d be inclined to leave out the “a” in your final line, and maybe change ‘within’ to ‘in’ in the first, but I’m being really picky: the poem is terrific!

    • Mike Patrick says:

      The first and last lines are two that actually contain iambic meter.

      I did consider changing the last line to: that Satan ever was a male.

      Improvement or no?

      Now it’s that final 10% of meter I need to work on. The improvement of my work is a direct response to your tutoring. Viv, I never will be able to thank you enough for the help and encouragement you’ve given me.

  2. Mary says:

    Hi Michael- Thanks for the visit. I like your dark poem! I noticed you are not consistent with the number of feet per line. Is this something you will work on in your revisions? And, I like the last line as you have it. I think the last stanze reads really well. It’s a nice twist. (well not really nice, but you know what I mean, lol)

    • Mike Patrick says:

      I may work to smooth out the feet, if so, probably to tetrameter. For some obscure reason, I like this poem and think it might be worth the effort. Sometimes, those little tweaks take much more time that writing the original version.

  3. Jess says:

    i loved the story of it. a evil man meeting an evil end

  4. Altonian says:

    I do not consider myself a poet, so I’ll leave the technical stuff to others, but as a writer I’ll say you have written a Hell (!) of a good story here – very ‘Whitechapel’ in it’s ambience. One of the best ‘punchlines’ I’ve read in a long time.

  5. earlybird says:

    Goodness! I wasn’t expecting that ending. Excellent. I just got swept along. I particularly like ‘Cobwebs of scudding clouds’ – really good. If I may say so, I think you have a typo in line 3 – you mean its, not it’s don’t you?

    • Mike Patrick says:

      Earlybird, please feel free to point out errors on anything I write–ever. The correction has been made. I’m surprised that Viv did not comment on it after her rant-in-verse about misused apostrophes the other day, but if she saw it, her head probably exploded.

  6. I enjoyed this so much I was not conscious of feet and such.

    ‘Now I will take your soul.’ I wanted to read ‘very soul’ or ‘tawdry soul’.

    Church’s door – could be just Church door if we want to be freer.

    Good one.

    Harry

    • Mike Patrick says:

      Thank you, Harry. The line “Now I will take your soul,” was one of those short, non-tetrameter lines. Improvement made. Now, there are a couple more . . . .

  7. poorani says:

    Very nicely pictured situation….Lovely words studded to a story….

  8. versebender says:

    Dark and clever…carried me right along, then surprised me with the ending. Vb

  9. Oh wow….. the darstardly so and so!!!
    Well, he got his just deserts didn’t he, who says Karma isn’t a B***h…..LOL
    LOVED this!
    Thanks for visiting my blog and the lovely comment, for some reason it was put into the spam folder and I always forget to check it 🙂

  10. Kelly says:

    Nice. I am not sure if I should smile, or say “ouch.”
    The rhythm works really well with your subject matter.

  11. This was awesome and the end was brilliant! I love your dark humor

  12. Jingle says:

    amazing…..

    Glad to see you back to poets rally.
    Cheers.

    🙂

  13. Olive Tree says:

    uh…dark, and it also has a creepy tone with the sneaking around, confronting, and then the ending. Quite a journey you took me there. Thank you for stopping by to my post earlier too and commenting. Your question on my blog made me smile. The answer depends on your definition of what is considered “old”….LOL. Thanks for a shot of laughter.

  14. Judith Evans says:

    Delightfully creepy images, with a neat ending. Love it!

  15. christine says:

    Wow, that was spine tingling…amazing.

  16. Ina says:

    I loved the happy ending!

  17. Mr. Walker says:

    Mike, this is great. I appreciate your craft time and again; you handle meter and rhyme very well. I didn’t notice any errant feet, but that’s just me. And you tell a mean story. Really enjoyed it.

    Richard

  18. Very atmospheric poem, very powerful poem. Great narrative with a brilliant twist.
    The Lonely Recluse.

  19. Sheilagh Lee says:

    I loved the surprise at he end in this very nice.

  20. Leonargo says:

    !!! I was more and more flabbergasted towards the end, I love the twist! Excellent poem, I couldn’t stop from speaking this fully aloud all the way through! 🙂 🙂

  21. Mike says:

    Thanks for pointing me in the direction of this poem Mike it was a great read.
    I love the idea of his evil deeds being twisted round to meet hers.
    The twist – Satan being a woman was clever.

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