Hiaku Day 6

The Haiku Challenge Day 6

I am just beginning to understand that this may be senryu rather than haiku. Guidance would be appreciated. However, for this guy, it is the easiest prompt of the challenge so far. One would have to see Sandy’s eyes to understand. Sandy is my wife.

Haiku Challenge prompt for day six

Your eyes draw me in
To a place few men have found
And none want to leave

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17 Responses to Hiaku Day 6

  1. Miriam Sagan says:

    Try cutting a bit?
    Your eyes draw me in–
    A place few men have found
    None want to leave

    What a great challenge!

  2. The way you wrote it is correct: 5-7-5. Marian’s suggestion is nice but not true to haiku form because of the syllable count.

    The text itself is wonderful..a sweet tribute to the woman you love.

    • Mike Patrick says:

      Thank you. You have no idea of the tribute. On our first date, she thought something was wrong with me because I kept staring at her eyes. They are a blue that the sky envies. They took my breath away back then and they still do.

  3. vivinfrance says:

    Lucky man. I can’t make today’s link work on the Challenge site. Can you?

  4. sharmishtha says:

    pure beauty. Just adored it.

  5. Miriam Sagan says:

    Actually the rigid 5 7 5 form is not used exclusively in English haiku–and hasn’t been for many decades. Check out the Haiku Society or Modern Haiku or any of the excellent web resources to see that. I only meant it positively as the writer asked for guidance and the poem was striking!

    • Mike Patrick says:

      In an earlier post, https://thepoetsquill.wordpress.com/2011/01/17/a-haiku-mora-would-smell-as-sweet/, right after my interdiction to haiku (last month), I was looking into the Japanese mora form. Unfortunately, the use of the mora count instead of the syllable count was so esoteric that it would take a lot of study to figure it out. I was hoping someone in the challenge would mention it so that I could follow up.

      As for now, I have been a traditionalist for so long that I have not yet been able to channel my rebel side. If I can ever turn that rascal loose, who knows what might result. Anyone ever see a three word haiku?

      • Someone is Special says:

        @ Victoria, @ Miriam Sagan @ Mike Patrick..

        Well, Haiku is a form of Japanese Poetry, consisting of 17 moras (or on), in three phrases of 5, 7, 5 respectively. ‘On’ refers to syllables, but not exactly a syllable. For some words, it may and for some it is not… Because of this issue, some haiku results in 17 and some may not. Few decades’ back Haiku Society of America finalized that an English Haiku should use 17 syllables for sure but in early 2010, they changed the statement as Haiku syllable count can be 6 to the min to 17 at the max as most of Haiku translated from Japanese resulted in less than 15…In addition, they confirmed that to call a Haiku as Perfect one, it should be 5-7-5 syllable structure as it is more challenging and sweet to read. Since I know a bit of Japanese, I know this info’s. ‘Arigato..’

        Someone is Special

  6. Miriam Sagan says:

    PS. Look at the haiku writing of Elizabeth Searle Lamb, Jim Kacian, Charles Trumball, Jack Kerouac, Allen Ginsberg…translations of Basho by Jane Reichold…the majority of contemporary haiku writers use variation. It is actually very very helpful–but as a rule use fewer syllables, not more. I think you’ll enjoy it!

  7. Dishilicious says:

    wow!! you’re lucky, so is she. absolutely beautiful 🙂

  8. Jingle says:

    love your take very much,

  9. Bodhirose says:

    I love this especially because of the love that comes through for your wife. Lovely and loving.

  10. wow!!! when the mate can be a muse even after many years, that is loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! And I am a sucker for love, great Haiku! 🙂 Mine is here; http://lynnaima.wordpress.com

  11. Someone is Special says:

    First of all a lovely Haiku and I have to say that you are lucky to have such a girl friend.. Enjoy..

    Someone is Special

  12. Tilly Bud says:

    I hope you showed this to your wife? Just lovely.

    Haiku is man on nature; senryu is the nature of man.

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